thoughts to the universe

Why was it so hard with us? It should have been so easy-like breathing. I was so in love with the thought of him. We were perfect for each other. Why couldn't we make it work? Is there someone out there who it will work with? Will I ever fall in love? I want so much to have a family. I ache for it. After Dad left us, I thought I would never want to be with someone. If you get too close to someone then they can really hurt you. I realize that maybe it's worth the risk. God, I know you must get tired of my whining. I realize that you are so much more than I deserve, and by your grace, I have you with me every day, waiting to hold me in your arms one day. God, I know that is such a gift, and yet I know that because you were here and experienced the loneliness of being man for yourself that you know how much we want to be held and touched and kissed and loved here on earth as well. You may not have been a woman when you came to this earth, but you made me in your image, and so I know that all of what I am is inside you as well. You know the ache of a woman to be held by a man. You know that it's not good for us to be alone. You know the ache of a woman to hold her baby in her arms. You know the fears that we carry. I try to give them to you. Please help me. Give me your peace.

Great song, really hard to sing honestly.  I usually feel like the Lord has been teaching me to wait my entire life for one thing or another, and the lesson doesn't get any easier.  We wait for jobs, houses, relationships, kids, etc.  How many times does God have to show us that everything works out in the end for us to trust Him and not worry constantly about the petty things of this world.  When it comes right down to it, nothing on this earth matters enough to worry over.  There is nothing I can do or not do that will change God's ultimate plan, and I will be blessed in this life whether I am given the things I think I want or not.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."  "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord."  God knows what the game plan is, and that is all I need to know right now.  "Teach me , Lord, to wait down on my knees 'till in your own good time you answer my pleas.  Teach me not to rely on what others do, but to wait in prayer for an answer from you. They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.  They shall mount up with wings like eagles.  They shall run and not grow weary.  They shall walk and not faint.  Teach me, Lord, Teach me, Lord, to wait." 

I realize now that anyone who used to look at this blog has long ago stopped-if anyone ever did.  And that's just as well.  I am overcome with frustration.  I am trying to get started travel nursing, but have not had enough experience for most positions, and I am afraid I will have to wait until the end of February.  Not the end of the world, but my sister and niece have already moved into my house.  They were planning on staying here while I went and traveled-good for them and me.  They get a whole house with me for the land lord, and I get someone to live in my house while I'm gone paying some of the bills and letting me keep my stuff in the basement.  

I just finished watching 3:10 to Yuma-seriously good movie, and I was thinking about why we like watching westerns. Maybe it's because everyone had a gun-and knew how to shoot it. People with guns feel powerful. Maybe it's because good always wins, and sometimes even the bad turn good. Maybe we need a reminder that good always wins-even if it only happens at the end of the film. Maybe it's because there is always one person who stands up for what he believes in, a good ol'e boy who just wants his boys to be proud of him.
I think that a good western makes us proud to be Americans some how, makes men proud to be men, and women proud to love them. I do love Christian Bale and Russel Crowe :)

"When I get where I'm going, and I see my maker's face, I'll stand forever in the light of His Amazing Grace! When I get where I'm going there'll be only happy tears. I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these years. I'll leave my heart wide open. I will love and have no fear. Yeah, when I get where I'm going don't cry for me down here." We have been discussing Heaven in our Wednesday night class at church. This is one of my favorite songs by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton. I am filled with such joy every time I hear it. I can't wait to get where I'm going! We watched a video this week, and something that someone said just really hit me. He was talking about how little is said about Heaven in the Bible. He said that he thought that if we really knew how wonderful Heaven will be, that people would be jumping off cliffs to get there, and that God wants us to enjoy our lives here on earth. I really liked that idea. Just something to think about. God bless!

I have been thinking about free will-why we have it, and what that means for us in relationships. I think that free will has more to do with God and our relationship with him than we think. I think that God, this supreme being, wants us to choose Him. Think about it. If we had no free will, and we had to love God, and do all that He said, where would be the glory for Him? There would be none. It wouldn't say much for God that He created beings to love Him, and they had no say in the matter. Instead, it says a great deal when one of His creations chooses to love Him. I believe that is why we seek love. That's why it means so much when someone chooses us over all the rest-because we were made in God's image. He is joyful when someone chooses Him, and that is why we are joyful when someone chooses us. We were made to love and be loved. That's why God says it is not good for man to be alone. Sometimes we think that it would be easier to just be alone and not have anyone to worry abuot but ourselves, but that is selfish. True love is meant to be shared. It means that we put someone else first. It means that I care more about you than myslef. That is hard sometimes, but that is love, and the rewards greatly outweigh the sacrifices if we are brave enough to just love.

Okay, so how awesome is God? Awesome enough to give you a plain answer when you ask Him. I have struggled for a long time with the feeling that I have been called to do missions. I have gotten great advice from many people, and it has recently been on my heart even more. It's funny how, when God wants you to do something, he is relentless. He will wait until you are ready. It took 40 years with Moses. I hope I take the hint in less time. I have been praying, and researching, and praying some more. When I got home tonight, I checked my email. There was a Life on the Way devotional. I don't always read them, but they are emails from way.fm. Sometimes they can be very uplifting. So, before I opened it, I prayed. I prayed that God would show me what He wanted from me. This was the devotional:

[ Be My Escape
Relient K

"I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake"

Have you ever fallen into a spiritual rut? You feel God calling you to a certain area of service but the change seems too great. The rut grows deeper, and soon we give up altogether. Just like Peter on the water, we start sinking and are powerless to do anything about it.

But don’t forget the first part of Peter’s story. When Peter saw Jesus walking on the water he asked to join Him. "‘Alright, come,’ Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus" (Matthew 14:29, NLT).

When He called on Jesus and focused on Him, Peter was able to stand on the waves. Without that focus, he started to sink. Without Christ we are all sinking, and the farther we sink, the harder it is to change. But our Savior is calling with His hand ready to take ours. ]

I feel like that is what I have been waiting for-for God to say, "Come". The two lines of the song quoted sum it up-I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake. Alright, God, so now what?