thoughts to the universe

Today just started out bad. I woke up to Nemo crying at 6:10, then again at 6:20, 6:40, 6:52, and I finally just got up and took him outside. He woke up again at 7:40, twenty minutes before I was planning on getting up, and I just gave up the whole idea of sleeping in any longer. I took him up to the barn while Mom and I fed the horses, and he got muddy, so I washed him off. He was soaking wet for the car ride home. I love that dog so much, but just like a child, there are a lot of good things, and a lot of bad things that go along with having one.

Church sucked for me today. There is no other way to describe it. I didn't know why, but I was irritated by everyone, and everything. Someone put their arm around Mom, and I didn't know why, but it bugged the crap out of me. I didn't know who she was, and it just bothered me. The service ran so long today, that by the time we sang the last song, it was all I could do not to cry. I couldn't even sing. My heart was not in it. I just wanted to run out the door as soon as the last prayer was said, but I couldn't even do that. Someone came up to me while Mom was hugging people, and asked how I was doing. Well, how the hell did they think I was doing? I teared up and said fine. They persisted, the way only someone who really cares does when asking that question. I couldn't take it. I walked briskly to the bathroom. Mom followed me after a minute or two, and went into the stall next to me. She went to touch my leg under the stall door the way she does when we are playing around together at the mall or wal mart or some place else, and I pulled my leg away. I was not in the mood to play. We walked out of the bathroom, and I pulled mom toward the fastest way out of the building. I just wanted out of there. She asked what was wrong, and I didn't know what to say, because I didn't know. After thinking about it some more, I told her when she called later. Everything. When I go to church there now, I feel like I'm at a funeral the entire time. It's awful. People I don't know come up and give me the pity look. You know the one. The one that says, "I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say, so I'm just gonna look at you to show you that I care, but all it will really do is piss you off." Some people don't know who I am, and just know mom, so they only talk to her and pet her, and for some reason, that is even worse. Like, as much as I don't want to be pitied, I at least want people to acknowledge and care that I'm hurting too. And where are all of my friends? I suppose they just don't know what to say, but it hurts just as much to not say anything. You know, one reason I don't want to be there now is because I don't want to have to deal with the pity look or people not knowing what to say. I don't need pity right now. What I really need, is for someone to come up to me and say, "hey, I love you. Let's go eat, or go to a movie, or something." I just want to take my mind off of all of this shit. I need people who love me, not who feel obligated to pat me on the back. I am depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I am not going to initiate anything. I need people to be the ones to initiate. If I don't answer my phone-which I may not for one reason or another-call me back. If I don't come to something, call me and tell me you wished I was there, and would I like to hang out. I need that. I need my friends, whether I admit it or not. I need love, and God's people to help pull me out of this hole I am in-from this rock I am under.

You know, if it were just Dad who left, I think I would be at least a little more alright. The thing that hurts the worst, the thing that gives me nightmares, the thing that I can't seem to get over, is that I will never see those precious faces of those kids ever again. I think that is one of the big reasons why it is so hard for me to sit in that pew. I will never again look back, and see little Ayiana smiling at me, running to me with her little arms open, wanting to be held by her "Maget". Little Ya Ya, Zane, and Killian are gone from me forever, and it tears me up so badly. I think about the last time I got to spend with them-in Woodburn at an ice cream social. Those little faces covered with "pink" icecream. Oh, my heart aches for them! Do they know how much I love them? Are they alright? Do they know why Maget doesn't see them anymore? These questions just about kill me, but I may never know the answers. All I know is that while they were with me, I loved them to the very depths of my soul. I would have-and still would, if given the opportunity-walk through fire for them. I worry for their souls, growing up in the house of adulterers. I pray for them every day. That is all I have-prayer, and it is a very powerful thing. It gives me peace and joy, and soon I hope to find those things again. I hate being filled with sorrow. I am not a downhearted person by nature, and it kind of scares me from time to time. I feel like I cannot control my feelings, and I hate feeling that way.

So, Universe, pray for me. Pray for my sanity. Pray for me to find joy and peace again. Pray for me to have the courage to talk to people and not feel like a needy burden. Pray for me, Holy Spirit. Take it, Lord. Please.