thoughts to the universe

I want joy. I want to be joyful-really I do, but it seems to keep slipping through my fingers. I get a glimpse of happiness, and sorrow pushes its way right back into my heart. I just want it to go away. I want it all to go away. I watched my puppy tonight. He fell asleep on the couch-a rare event-and I couldn't help but smile. He is so sweet. I just want to cuddle him. I thought about how my father used to watch me sleep, and weep over the thought that his eyes are on someone else's children tonight. What a terrible thing sin is-selfishness, greed, hatred. My grandparents called tonight-his parents. I have always loved them so much, and I still do, but I have not been able to bring myself to answer the phone when I see that it is them. Part of me does not know why. Another part does. Talking to them makes me think of him, and he has not been welcomed into my thoughts lately. I feel like I need to deal with it, that if I could just get it all out of me, I would be better, not good, but better. It's just so hard to deal with something that makes no sense. If I could reason my way through it, I feel like I could deal with it, but it is the insanity of it all that makes me push it out of my mind. I miss him. I wish I didn't, but I do, and it just makes it worse. God, just take it. Help me to let You fill that void. I feel so guilty aching as I do. There are so many worse things in the world. There is a little boy named Logan who is only four, and is on the ventilator at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. He has been sick since the day he was born, and I can't imagine being in his shoes, or that of those who love him. There are people who can't afford food to eat, or a place to live, and I am depressed because my father fell in love with another woman. I feel awful, and I feel awful for feeling awful.
I'm sorry I don't write about any good days. I really do have them. I just don't have crap to get off my chest on good days. I will have to work on that, so you all don't think I am completely depressed and living in a hole. Well, blah, there it is.