thoughts to the universe

Why?

2009-10-14T00:57:00.000-07:00

Why was it so hard with us? It should have been so easy-like breathing. I was so in love with the thought of him. We were perfect for each other. Why couldn't we make it work? Is there someone out there who it will work with? Will I ever fall in love? I want so much to have a family. I ache for it. After Dad left us, I thought I would never want to be with someone. If you get too close to someone then they can really hurt you. I realize that maybe it's worth the risk. God, I know you must get tired of my whining. I realize that you are so much more than I deserve, and by your grace, I have you with me every day, waiting to hold me in your arms one day. God, I know that is such a gift, and yet I know that because you were here and experienced the loneliness of being man for yourself that you know how much we want to be held and touched and kissed and loved here on earth as well. You may not have been a woman when you came to this earth, but you made me in your image, and so I know that all of what I am is inside you as well. You know the ache of a woman to be held by a man. You know that it's not good for us to be alone. You know the ache of a woman to hold her baby in her arms. You know the fears that we carry. I try to give them to you. Please help me. Give me your peace.

Teach me, Lord, to wait

2008-08-25T01:04:00.000-07:00

Great song, really hard to sing honestly. I usually feel like the Lord has been teaching me to wait my entire life for one thing or another, and the lesson doesn't get any easier. We wait for jobs, houses, relationships, kids, etc. How many times does God have to show us that everything works out in the end for us to trust Him and not worry constantly about the petty things of this world. When it comes right down to it, nothing on this earth matters enough to worry over. There is nothing I can do or not do that will change God's ultimate plan, and I will be blessed in this life whether I am given the things I think I want or not. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord." God knows what the game plan is, and that is all I need to know right now. "Teach me , Lord, to wait down on my knees 'till in your own good time you answer my pleas. Teach me not to rely on what others do, but to wait in prayer for an answer from you. They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not grow weary. They shall walk and not faint. Teach me, Lord, Teach me, Lord, to wait."

ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-21T20:12:00.001-07:00

I realize now that anyone who used to look at this blog has long ago stopped-if anyone ever did. And that's just as well. I am overcome with frustration. I am trying to get started travel nursing, but have not had enough experience for most positions, and I am afraid I will have to wait until the end of February. Not the end of the world, but my sister and niece have already moved into my house. They were planning on staying here while I went and traveled-good for them and me. They get a whole house with me for the land lord, and I get someone to live in my house while I'm gone paying some of the bills and letting me keep my stuff in the basement.

While waiting for me to go, we (the three of us and our collection of dogs) all are living in my 1000 square foot, two-bedroom, one bath house. Our only salvation is that I have a basement where my sister has taken up residency. If you don't know how hard it is for a woman who works night shift, who is OCD about everything but cleaning the house, and a woman who has a baby who is OCD about nothing but cleaning the house to coexist, try it sometime. I think I'm going to explode!

Westerns

2007-10-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching 3:10 to Yuma-seriously good movie, and I was thinking about why we like watching westerns. Maybe it's because everyone had a gun-and knew how to shoot it. People with guns feel powerful. Maybe it's because good always wins, and sometimes even the bad turn good. Maybe we need a reminder that good always wins-even if it only happens at the end of the film. Maybe it's because there is always one person who stands up for what he believes in, a good ol'e boy who just wants his boys to be proud of him.
I think that a good western makes us proud to be Americans some how, makes men proud to be men, and women proud to love them. I do love Christian Bale and Russel Crowe :)

When I Get where I'm going

2007-02-23T22:50:00.000-08:00

"When I get where I'm going, and I see my maker's face, I'll stand forever in the light of His Amazing Grace! When I get where I'm going there'll be only happy tears. I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these years. I'll leave my heart wide open. I will love and have no fear. Yeah, when I get where I'm going don't cry for me down here." We have been discussing Heaven in our Wednesday night class at church. This is one of my favorite songs by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton. I am filled with such joy every time I hear it. I can't wait to get where I'm going! We watched a video this week, and something that someone said just really hit me. He was talking about how little is said about Heaven in the Bible. He said that he thought that if we really knew how wonderful Heaven will be, that people would be jumping off cliffs to get there, and that God wants us to enjoy our lives here on earth. I really liked that idea. Just something to think about. God bless!

FREE WILL

2006-11-14T19:46:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about free will-why we have it, and what that means for us in relationships. I think that free will has more to do with God and our relationship with him than we think. I think that God, this supreme being, wants us to choose Him. Think about it. If we had no free will, and we had to love God, and do all that He said, where would be the glory for Him? There would be none. It wouldn't say much for God that He created beings to love Him, and they had no say in the matter. Instead, it says a great deal when one of His creations chooses to love Him. I believe that is why we seek love. That's why it means so much when someone chooses us over all the rest-because we were made in God's image. He is joyful when someone chooses Him, and that is why we are joyful when someone chooses us. We were made to love and be loved. That's why God says it is not good for man to be alone. Sometimes we think that it would be easier to just be alone and not have anyone to worry abuot but ourselves, but that is selfish. True love is meant to be shared. It means that we put someone else first. It means that I care more about you than myslef. That is hard sometimes, but that is love, and the rewards greatly outweigh the sacrifices if we are brave enough to just love.

God is awesome!

2006-10-30T16:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, so how awesome is God? Awesome enough to give you a plain answer when you ask Him. I have struggled for a long time with the feeling that I have been called to do missions. I have gotten great advice from many people, and it has recently been on my heart even more. It's funny how, when God wants you to do something, he is relentless. He will wait until you are ready. It took 40 years with Moses. I hope I take the hint in less time. I have been praying, and researching, and praying some more. When I got home tonight, I checked my email. There was a Life on the Way devotional. I don't always read them, but they are emails from way.fm. Sometimes they can be very uplifting. So, before I opened it, I prayed. I prayed that God would show me what He wanted from me. This was the devotional:

[ Be My Escape
Relient K

"I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake"

Have you ever fallen into a spiritual rut? You feel God calling you to a certain area of service but the change seems too great. The rut grows deeper, and soon we give up altogether. Just like Peter on the water, we start sinking and are powerless to do anything about it.

But don’t forget the first part of Peter’s story. When Peter saw Jesus walking on the water he asked to join Him. "‘Alright, come,’ Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus" (Matthew 14:29, NLT).

When He called on Jesus and focused on Him, Peter was able to stand on the waves. Without that focus, he started to sink. Without Christ we are all sinking, and the farther we sink, the harder it is to change. But our Savior is calling with His hand ready to take ours. ]

I feel like that is what I have been waiting for-for God to say, "Come". The two lines of the song quoted sum it up-I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake. Alright, God, so now what?

2006-09-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

I feel like I grow every day-in the spiritual, mental, and emotional sense. :) I learn more about myself, and others around me. I think that I have struggled ever since I was little with the thought that I was the most important person in the world. Now, don't think me conceited just yet. Think about it. When you were little, the world revolved around you-not because you necessarily had such a grand sense of self, but because that was the only way you could explain the world around you. Selfishness stems from this theory. When we never can get that the world is much bigger than just us, we keep thinking that we are the most important, and that includes what we want. I thought that I beat this demon long ago, but recently had to come to terms with the fact that I had not. A friend was simply trying to share their feelings with me, and I made it all aobut me. How selfish is that? Could it be that not everything is about me? It was a pretty humbling experience. They brought it to my attention with grace and kindness that always accompanies their correspondence, and for that I am greatful. I realize that God is working in my life, helping to mold me into the person He wants me to be, and He is using people around me as His instruments. I am not even close, and there are many set backs, but I think that the fact that I recognize it, and try to change my thoughts and actions is enough for Him. I sure hope it is. I think it can get discouraging when we think of how far we have to go to perfection, but then I think of what God's word says. We are made perfect by the blood of Jesus. Just think about that for a minute. I am perfect-not because I have all the answers, or because I always say the right things (definitely not), but because God wants me to be with Him so much that He died for me. I am a messed up human being- we all are. But, we have salvation because we are so loved! Thank you, God! You are so awesome. Help me to be not only satisfied with you, but to be overjoyed with you. Help us to all see through your eyes, and not our little, selfish, human eyes.

More than enough

2006-08-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

ALL OF YOU IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ALL OF ME, FOR EVERY THIRST AND EVERY NEED. YOU SATISFY ME WITH YOUR LOVE AND ALL I HAVE IN YOU IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.

YOU ARE MY SUPPLIER, MY BREATH OF LIFE, STILL MORE AWESOME THAN I KNOW. YOU ARE MY REWARD WORTH LIVING FOR-STILL MORE AWESOME THAN I KNOW

ALL OF YOU IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ALL OF ME FOR EVERY THIRST AND EVERY NEED. YOU SATISFY ME WITH YOUR LOVE, AND ALL I HAVE IN YOU IS MORE THAN ENOUGH

YOU'RE MY SACRIFICE OF GREATEST PRICE, STILL MORE AWESOME THAN I KNOW. YOU'RE MY COMING KING-YOU'RE EVERYTHING-STILL MORE AWESOME THAN I KNOW

ALL OF YOU IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ALL OF ME, FOR EVERY THIRST AND EVERY NEED. YOU SATISFY ME WITH YOUR LOVE, AND ALL I HAVE IN YOU IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.

YOU'RE ENOUGH.. YOU'RE ENOUGH...YOU'RE ENOUGH FOR ME.

(sometimes that is pretty hard to sing. Lord, please help me to believe this song. You are all that I truly need. Help me to be satisfied by your love. It truly is more awesome than I could ever know.)

TRYING TO BE SATISFIED

2006-07-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

It's not that anything bad is happening, it's just that not much is happening period. I have gotten stuck in a rut. A rut that consists of work, and sleep, and waiting for the phone to ring. BORING! I understand that this is partly my fault. I could be out there going new places and meeting new people, but I always have excuses not to. I'm tired, or the dogs need to be let out, etc. Don't get me wrong, I have been blessed with a mother who loves me, a sister who always needs a ride (jk-she's good for stuff too :) two dogs who can't get enough attention, a few close friends, and a job I'm pretty good at. I have nothing to complain about. So why am I? I don't know. There is a part of me who is not satisfied with my simple work, tv, sleep routine. I yearn for more. I am not happy at my work. I love most of the people I work with most of the time, but I think maybe it's something you must go through after years of school, where classes change semesterly, and jobs are odd and ever-changing. I got used to change, and now that I have been at the same job for over a year, I feel like it is time to start something new. Maybe that's just it. I don't know. Pray for me to become more satisfied, and to stop waiting for life to find me, but for me to go find it.

MAWAGE

2006-06-04T21:32:00.000-07:00

Wow, what an incredible weekend. Kaelin and Heather are married! I had the incredible joy of being the maid of honor. How fun that was! I was so glad I got to stand where I did, because not many people could hear what Matt had to say, but I heard every wonderful word. It was wonderful, and had some great advice. I wish that we could live 1 Corinthians 13 every day. It is so important to love, and to know what that really means. I really do think that selfishness is the root of all evil, and that we need to be selfless in all relationships, especially in a marriage. I am filled with such joy. I haven't felt that wonderful in a long time. I know that they were both nervous, but everything was just perfect. They both looked wonderful, (and so did we all :) ) Thank you, God for Kaelin and Heather. Bless them and their marriage. Let it last their whole lives. Help them to put each other first in everything they do, and to keep you at the center of their relationship. God you have blessed me so much by having the both of them for such great friends. Thank you for their love and friendship. Lord, please help me to find that special love one day. God, I am trying to be patient, and I think I am closer to being completely satisfied through you. Thank you for leading me, and guiding me. Lord, I love you so much, and can't wait to be with you. I only want someone who can help me on the journey to you, and who I can be a helper to. Please bless me with a happy marriage, Lord. You are soooo amazing and awesome. Thank you for everything.
Amen

BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

2006-03-28T19:57:00.000-08:00

It's my birthday. That's right. It has been a good day. I love flowers :) My sister gave me a cutoff from her christmas cactus which was a cutoff from Mom's, which was a cutoff from my grandmother's. Pretty special. Mom gave me some Azaleas, and I got myself some yellow daisies to replace the tulips I got myself the week before, (my favorite). I love having flowers inside the house. Thank you, God for flowers!

look up

2006-01-21T19:58:00.000-08:00

When I look down, here, all around me, I see ugliness. I see disappointment, pain, sin. But, when I look up, to the sky, to Heaven, I see beauty. I see the sun, moon, stars, clouds, sunrises, and sunsets. I see rainbows, and rain, and I see God. Oh, that I could simply lie on the ground and look up all day long, that I could just look at the artwork of the Lord; the reds, blues, pinks, yellows, whites, and all the other colors on His pallet. But, that is not what I am here for. Yes, I believe the Lord made all the beauty of the sky for us to enjoy, but we can't simply stare up and let the world pass us by. I have, and continue to, more than I would care to admit. I have simply been waiting- for something, for the Lord to return and take me home, for all the world to just forget me, for something, I am not sure. But I am learning, slowly, that I cannot spend my whole life in wait. I can yearn for Heaven, but I have to live right now. Lord, help me to live my life as you want me to. Help me to be your servant, and not spend my life like it is my own. I want my life to be the glorious thing you have in mind, not just the forgettable life that I have without you.

Is there anyway you could say no to this man?

2005-12-15T16:29:00.000-08:00

Thorns on His head, spear in His side, yet it was a heartache that made Him cry. He gave His life so that you would understand. Is there any way you could say no to this man? If Christ Himself were standing here, face full of Glory, and eyes full of tears, He's hold out his arms and His nail-printed hands. Is there any way you could say no to this man? How could you look in his tear-stained eyes, knowing it's you He's thinking of? Would you tell Him you're not ready to give Him your life? Could you say you don't think you need His love? Jesus is here, with His arms open wide. You can see Him with your heart if you stop looking with your eyes. He's left it up to you-He's done all that He can. Is there any way you could say no to this man?
-unknown

I love fall!

2005-10-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

Today when I was driving home from spending the night with my mother, I really saw how beautiful the day is. It is a perfect fall day. It is 68 degrees outside according to my computer, and the sun is shining. Something about how the cool breeze blows and the sun warms you at the same time is magical. I really do think that fall is my favorite time of year. It is perfect weather for a walk, or a trip to my favorite place-Jackson's Orchard. I wish my car weren't acting funny so I wouldn't be afraid to make the trip up the giant hill to the orchard. I would go every day. The smell of apples ripening on a tree, hot apple pie baking, mums and other flowers blooming, and hay bails waiting for a ride down to the pumpkin patch make fall at Jackson's the most wonderful place in Bowling Green. Nevermind the crowds. I enjoy going on the weekdays. I am really looking forward to tonight. Some friends and I are going to Nashville to see Nickel Creek. They are my favorite group, and I love all of their music. Check out their website on my links. It has clips of their new cd. Today is a good day. Thank you, Lord. :)

I want JOY

2005-10-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

I want joy. I want to be joyful-really I do, but it seems to keep slipping through my fingers. I get a glimpse of happiness, and sorrow pushes its way right back into my heart. I just want it to go away. I want it all to go away. I watched my puppy tonight. He fell asleep on the couch-a rare event-and I couldn't help but smile. He is so sweet. I just want to cuddle him. I thought about how my father used to watch me sleep, and weep over the thought that his eyes are on someone else's children tonight. What a terrible thing sin is-selfishness, greed, hatred. My grandparents called tonight-his parents. I have always loved them so much, and I still do, but I have not been able to bring myself to answer the phone when I see that it is them. Part of me does not know why. Another part does. Talking to them makes me think of him, and he has not been welcomed into my thoughts lately. I feel like I need to deal with it, that if I could just get it all out of me, I would be better, not good, but better. It's just so hard to deal with something that makes no sense. If I could reason my way through it, I feel like I could deal with it, but it is the insanity of it all that makes me push it out of my mind. I miss him. I wish I didn't, but I do, and it just makes it worse. God, just take it. Help me to let You fill that void. I feel so guilty aching as I do. There are so many worse things in the world. There is a little boy named Logan who is only four, and is on the ventilator at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. He has been sick since the day he was born, and I can't imagine being in his shoes, or that of those who love him. There are people who can't afford food to eat, or a place to live, and I am depressed because my father fell in love with another woman. I feel awful, and I feel awful for feeling awful.
I'm sorry I don't write about any good days. I really do have them. I just don't have crap to get off my chest on good days. I will have to work on that, so you all don't think I am completely depressed and living in a hole. Well, blah, there it is.

SUCKY DAY!!

2005-09-11T19:31:00.000-07:00

Today just started out bad. I woke up to Nemo crying at 6:10, then again at 6:20, 6:40, 6:52, and I finally just got up and took him outside. He woke up again at 7:40, twenty minutes before I was planning on getting up, and I just gave up the whole idea of sleeping in any longer. I took him up to the barn while Mom and I fed the horses, and he got muddy, so I washed him off. He was soaking wet for the car ride home. I love that dog so much, but just like a child, there are a lot of good things, and a lot of bad things that go along with having one.

Church sucked for me today. There is no other way to describe it. I didn't know why, but I was irritated by everyone, and everything. Someone put their arm around Mom, and I didn't know why, but it bugged the crap out of me. I didn't know who she was, and it just bothered me. The service ran so long today, that by the time we sang the last song, it was all I could do not to cry. I couldn't even sing. My heart was not in it. I just wanted to run out the door as soon as the last prayer was said, but I couldn't even do that. Someone came up to me while Mom was hugging people, and asked how I was doing. Well, how the hell did they think I was doing? I teared up and said fine. They persisted, the way only someone who really cares does when asking that question. I couldn't take it. I walked briskly to the bathroom. Mom followed me after a minute or two, and went into the stall next to me. She went to touch my leg under the stall door the way she does when we are playing around together at the mall or wal mart or some place else, and I pulled my leg away. I was not in the mood to play. We walked out of the bathroom, and I pulled mom toward the fastest way out of the building. I just wanted out of there. She asked what was wrong, and I didn't know what to say, because I didn't know. After thinking about it some more, I told her when she called later. Everything. When I go to church there now, I feel like I'm at a funeral the entire time. It's awful. People I don't know come up and give me the pity look. You know the one. The one that says, "I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say, so I'm just gonna look at you to show you that I care, but all it will really do is piss you off." Some people don't know who I am, and just know mom, so they only talk to her and pet her, and for some reason, that is even worse. Like, as much as I don't want to be pitied, I at least want people to acknowledge and care that I'm hurting too. And where are all of my friends? I suppose they just don't know what to say, but it hurts just as much to not say anything. You know, one reason I don't want to be there now is because I don't want to have to deal with the pity look or people not knowing what to say. I don't need pity right now. What I really need, is for someone to come up to me and say, "hey, I love you. Let's go eat, or go to a movie, or something." I just want to take my mind off of all of this shit. I need people who love me, not who feel obligated to pat me on the back. I am depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I am not going to initiate anything. I need people to be the ones to initiate. If I don't answer my phone-which I may not for one reason or another-call me back. If I don't come to something, call me and tell me you wished I was there, and would I like to hang out. I need that. I need my friends, whether I admit it or not. I need love, and God's people to help pull me out of this hole I am in-from this rock I am under.

You know, if it were just Dad who left, I think I would be at least a little more alright. The thing that hurts the worst, the thing that gives me nightmares, the thing that I can't seem to get over, is that I will never see those precious faces of those kids ever again. I think that is one of the big reasons why it is so hard for me to sit in that pew. I will never again look back, and see little Ayiana smiling at me, running to me with her little arms open, wanting to be held by her "Maget". Little Ya Ya, Zane, and Killian are gone from me forever, and it tears me up so badly. I think about the last time I got to spend with them-in Woodburn at an ice cream social. Those little faces covered with "pink" icecream. Oh, my heart aches for them! Do they know how much I love them? Are they alright? Do they know why Maget doesn't see them anymore? These questions just about kill me, but I may never know the answers. All I know is that while they were with me, I loved them to the very depths of my soul. I would have-and still would, if given the opportunity-walk through fire for them. I worry for their souls, growing up in the house of adulterers. I pray for them every day. That is all I have-prayer, and it is a very powerful thing. It gives me peace and joy, and soon I hope to find those things again. I hate being filled with sorrow. I am not a downhearted person by nature, and it kind of scares me from time to time. I feel like I cannot control my feelings, and I hate feeling that way.

So, Universe, pray for me. Pray for my sanity. Pray for me to find joy and peace again. Pray for me to have the courage to talk to people and not feel like a needy burden. Pray for me, Holy Spirit. Take it, Lord. Please.

Love

2005-09-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

"You can't hold onto something that really wants to go. All you can do is love it while you've got it." - Mrs. Dump, Because of Winn Dixie-

In life, love can be a fleeting thing. People and things we love seem to always be leaving. I realize now that we really don't have any control over it. We can't hold onto someone hard enough that they will stay. All we can do is love them while they are with us. We can't make someone be the type of person they should be. I can't save someone. The choice is always theirs. All we can do is show them love, and pray that that is enough. I hope that the people that I have lost in my life have been shown love by me. I think of the many people that I seem to have lost all at once recently. I just hope that I loved them enough. What is enough? Do they know how much I loved them? I sure hope so, and in the end, that is all we have- hope.

Forgiveness

2005-09-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

Man, Satan is so at work in this world. People are either so attracted by the devil that they sin, and completely ruin their lives and the lives of those around them, or people are so self-righteous that they cannot forgive the aforementioned people. Doesn't it say in the Bible that if we do not forgive others we will not be forgiven? As horrible as the things that people have done to me are, I have done much worse to God. I have sinned so many times, and have deliberately disobeyed Him. If He has enough love for me to forgive me for all of the many times I have sinned and the horrible things I have done to Him, shouldn't I forgive those who have done even horribe things to me? After all, when we are all standing in front of Him, those things of this world will all be gone, and all that will be left is our relationship with Him, or lack thereof. All I want is for all of us to get to Heaven, and if that means that I have to swallow my pride, and the hurt, and show someone that I love them because God loves them, then so be it.

A song I wrote (devo style)

2005-08-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

I hope you get to hear this song. I think it is one of the best I have written (not meaning to brag). It is the most heartfelt.

All I need is you

All I need is you. All I need is you. You give me peace when my heart is blue. All that I need is you.

All I want is you. All I want is you. Lord, You give me strength and comfort too. All that I need is you.

All I hope for is you. All I hope for is you. That you give me joy and love so true. All that I hope for is you.

(repeat first verse)

My heart, in verse

2005-08-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

All from the book of Psalms:

"But you, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the one who lifts my head high." "Arise, O Lord! Rescue me, my God! Slap all my enemies in the face! Shatter the teeth of the wicked!" (3: 3,7)
"You will destroy those who tell lies. The Lord detests murderers and decievers." "My enemies cannot speak one truthful word. Their deepest desire is to destroy others. Their talk is foul, like the stench from an open grave. O God, declare them guilty. Let them be caught in thier own traps. Drive them away because of their many sins, for they rebel against you." (5: 6, 9-10)
"I am worn out from sobbing. Every night tears drench my bed; my pillow is wet from weeping. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies." (6:6,7)
Chapters 10, 12
"Bend down and listen as I pray." "Guard me as the apple of your eye. Hide me in the shadow of your wings." (17:6,8)
"My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me? Why do you remain so distant? Why do you ignore my cries for help? Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief. Yet you are holy." "Do not stay so far from me, for trouble is near, and no one else can help me. My enemies surround me like a herd of bulls;" "My life is poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint. My heart is like wax, melting within me." (22:1-3, 11,12,14)
"O Lord, you are my rock of safety. Please help me; don't refues to answer me. For if you are silent, I might as well give up and die." "Praise the Lord! For he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength, my shield from every danger. I trust in him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving." (28:1,6,7)
"They repay me with evil for the good I do. I am sick with despair. Yet when they were ill, I grieved for them. I even fasted and prayed for them, " (35:12,13)
"Sin whispers to the wicked, deep within their hearts. They have no fear of God to restrain them. In thier blind conceit they cannot see how wicked they really are. Everything they say is crooked and deceitful. They refuse to act wisely or do what is good. They lie awake at night, hatching sinful plots. Their course of action is never good. They make no attempt to turn from evil." (36:1-4)
"Please, Lord, rescue me! Come quickly, Lord, and help me." "As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord is thinking about me right now. You are my helper and my savior. Do not delay, O my God." (40:13,17)
"As the deer pants for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I come and stand before him? Day and night, I have only tears for food, while my enemies continually taunt me, saying, 'where is this God of yours?' My heart is breaking, as I remember how it used to be." (42:1-4)
" O God, take up my cause! Defend me against these ungodly people. Rescue me from these unjust liars." (43:1)
"All day long you plot destruction. Your tongue cuts like a sharp razor; you're an expert at telling lies. You love evil more than good, and lies more than truth. You love to say things that harm others, you liar!" (52:2-4)
"Please listen and answer me, for I am overwhelmed by my troubles." "Fear and trouble overwhelm me. I can't stop shaking. Oh, how I wish I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest! I would fly far away to the quiet of the wilderness. How quickly I would escape-far away from the wild storm of hatred." "It is not an enemy who taunts me-I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me-I could have hidden from them. Instead it is you-my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we enjoyed, as we walked together to the house of God." (55:2, 5-8,12-14)
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." (56:8)
"Save me, O God, for the floodwaters are up to my neck. Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire. I can't find a foothold to stand on. I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me. I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched and dry. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me." "You know the insults I endure-the humiliation and disgrace. You have seen all my enemies and know what they have said. Their insults have broken my heart, and I am in despair." (69:1-3,19,20)

Why do we do it?

2005-08-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

Why do we sin? Why are we so wicked? What is it that satan says to us that convinces us that it's okay? I have seen so many friendships ruined over a lie or gossip or being self-centered. I have seen marriages break up over a broken promise. How does this happen? How do we, as Christians, tell ourselves that this is acceptable behavior? Folks, satan really is the ruler of this world, and we have to remember that while we are living in this world, it is not only our job to get as many people to Heaven with us as possible, but to battle satan on his turf. It breaks my heart that it is so easy for us (and I do say "us") to lie to each other. Unkind words can tear people down, and when we focus on ourselves we can easily alienate people, but I truly believe that lies are what destroy us. Satan is the father of lies, and he truly knows how to use them. We lie to ourselves, believing that what we do only affects us. We lie to each other-why? Because satan has hold of us, convincing us that this little lie will not hurt, but I say NO MORE! Let's start telling the truth. If we do not lie to ourselves, we will face our sin head on, and satan will not be our ruler. If we do not lie to each other, so many relationships will be spared. Remember-satan may be the ruler of this world, but God is the ruler of everything. Remember who truly is our master and savior. Thank God for Grace. Thank God that even though we are wicked, and we will still sin that God is an almighty and forgiving God. Thank God that we all still have a place in His kingdom. Please take this to heart.

New Baby Pics

2005-07-22T19:41:00.000-07:00

Well, today was a day of firsts for Nemo, and I thought I would share some of my favorite pics of his big day. He had his first bath, and his first car ride.

My little drowned rat.

Napping baby I'm a Proud Mumma

Isn't he precious? I am so excited. He turned six weeks today. He is getting so big so fast.

Two major announcements

2005-07-17T16:50:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! My first announcement is that I am gonna be a momma. Now don't get excited, he is just a puppy. He is 5 1/2 weeks old. He is a westie, or west highland terrier, and his name is Nemo after the famous fish, because he was born with one leg and paw smaller than the other three. It's his "lucky fin". :) I will show you more cute pics as I get them.
My other big announcement is that I have discovered the White Stripes. I knew that I liked Jack White from his work in Cold Mountain, and with Loretta Lynn, but I saw the cd, and thought I would give it a try. I love it! Their new cd is awesome! It is called "Get Behind Me Satan", and if you get to hear it, my favorite songs are "Take, Take, Take", and "Blue Orchid".

Enjoying the gift of singleness

2005-06-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

I went to a Bible study on Tuesday night, and wow, I really felt like God was talking to me. I have been feeling just great ever since, and I wanted to share my revelation with you. We studied 1Corinthians 7. It is the marriage chapter. I have read it before, but it was suddenly new to me. Verse 7 says, "I wish everyone could get along without marrying, just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of marriage, and to others he gives the gift of singleness." Wow, did you hear that? Being single is a gift! I feel like I have always had my own plan for my life, and that included getting married and having children. I would still love to do that, but you know what? I am not going to wait to start living until I have those things. I am going to embrace my singleness, and enjoy it. I am going to do things for God that I will not be able to do if and when I get married. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Being single is not a curse, and it doesn't make you worse than someone else. It is a gift, and I for one am going to use that gift for as long as I have it.

Well, here I go

2005-06-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

Hello there everyone.
I have a lot of thoughts that I want to share with you, everyone, noone, the universe. I am kind of excited about getting to share my thoughts with you. I have to get ready for church now, so I will post more later. I think we are gonna have a lot of fun. :)